Life in the Slow Lane

Last night, Rose’s 60-year-old best friend told me I looked like Jane Fonda in Barbarella.

I don’t believe her, but I’ll take it.

She also told me I have great eyebrows.

This week, for the first time ever in my life, I was in the same room as Seth Green. He was ten feet away from me, and I swear he made eye contact. After ten years of pining away, my dream has started to come true.

I realize that this post is chock full of creep/nerdom, but I have to keep hope alive. There’s a reason he is 33 and single… right? So, if anyone out there can help me break my ten foot record with Seth, I would be eternally grateful.

Brianna is out of the office today. Please leave your messages in the comments area, and she will get back to you as soon as she can.

Thanks!

This post is for every drama teacher that never cast me in the school plays, all the kids at school who made fun of me, and for my mom who told me to give up my dreams. To all the people that doubted me, I finally made it. I made my first appearance on Saturday Night Live

That’s me in the white dress. I played Excited Audience Member #142 at the act break. They wanted to test me out and start me small before they threw me into the big kid roles, but I’m sure before long it will be Weekend Updates and Cold Opens for me. 

I smell an Emmy…

While eating lunch in the meatpacking district yesterday, I was sitting two tables down from this girl:

Which, added to the time Rider Stong checked me out in the subway, brings my Boy Meets World cast member sightings to two. That’s two more than most people get. I am a lucky girl.

Dear Madonna,

Why you gotta be so fine?

Love,

Brianna

PS- Remember the time I farted on your couch?

After two episodes I have formed my opinions of Bravo’s “Step it Up and Dance.”

Love Janelle.

Could do without Jessica.

Can’t stop looking at Elizabeth’s alien eyes.

I bet you guys didn’t know that I love music videos. Lately, I am obsessed with French? directing duo Jonas & Francois. Their latest vid (yes, vid) is Madonna and Justin Timberlake’s “4 Minutes to Save the World,” but they also directed Kanye’s “The Good Life,” and Justice’s “D.A.N.C.E.” All of these videos are posted below, and it is up to you to figure out which is which. Woot!

I think the amount of Sex and the City a person watches is directly proportionate to the amount of sex they have. The more SATC, the less sex, and vice versa. Think about it. What is less sexy than a show about shoes, a city, and girls obsessed with being married? It’s like people know at 11pm every night you are watching TBS, when you should be going out on the town.

Suffice to say, I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately.

My sister got married this past Sunday. Here is the toast I delivered at her wedding. I am not quite sure if people knew how to take it.

When I asked Ilana about what I should say during this toast, she said it doesn’t matter as long as I don’t embarrass her. Usually, staying true to my job as a younger sister, I would ignore her request, however today is her special day. So, for the first time in my life, I will attempt to appease her.

Out of love for Ilana, I won’t talk about the time she fainted in San Francisco or when she burned her upper lip with moustache removal cream. I will keep the time she got caught canoodling at the JCC a secret, as well as her childhood obsession with clowns and ponies. I wouldn’t dream of telling you that she pretended to play the flute in her high school marching band, can’t cook oatmeal, used to steal my underwear, or that she took our cousin to senior prom… on second thought, that was me.

I think it is fair to say that I am just as excited to get Dominic as a brother, as Ilana is too marry him, and because I am such a good sister, I will try not to embarrass him tonight either. We haven’t known each other for long, but I know that he wouldn’t want me to talk about his epic burps OR his pre-Ilana fashion sense.

I am certain, though, that both Ilana and Dominic want me to talk about how special they are to me. Ilana has always been a trailblazer, and never backs down from what she sets her mind to. We all know what I-Wana…I mean Ilana, wants she gets. And, as you can see by her choice of husband, she has always, for the most part had good taste.

Ilana is someone I continuously look up to, learn from, and unconditionally love, so I won’t tell you about her many years of braces, that we used to call her the accidental chicken, or that she fell into the cake at her Bat Mitzvah.

All jokes aside, you are my partner in crime, Ilana, and I couldn’t be more proud or lucky to call you my sister. You have always meant the world to me, and I hope that doesn’t embarrass you.