Life in the Slow Lane

There is nothing more depressing than seeing all your earthly possessions packed up and placed in a corner. Tomorrow is the big day. The day I move out of the slow lane and back into the big city. I am going to miss everything about my life with Rose, but am excited for what’s to come.

Frank is really cool.

The best idea I’ve ever had.

I have a show here Monday June 9th at 6:30pm. You should come.

An open letter to Amanda from MTV’s The Paper:

Dear Amanda,

After seeing Monday’s finale, I feel like I need to revisit the subject of you being awesome. As someone who is older and wiser and escaped her small town to go to school in New York, I have your back %100, and wish you nothing but the best with your future.

It was clear on the show that people can be a-holes, and while a-hole-ery peaks in high school, you should never let it get to you. Little fun fact: when people are threatened or jealous or see someone they know they are inferior too, their dummy nerve kicks in and they do and say things they know are ultimately wrong. Look it up. The dummy nerve. It is right next to the Beer Goggles Valve and above the I think I’m fat joint.

ANYWAY, Miss Amanda, you are going to do so well at NYU, and I look forward to hearing about you in the future. You are already featured in the New York Times, and you haven’t even moved here yet. So, pack up your mittens and that beanie/beret knit hat I know you have, and get ready for your life to change.

Sincerely,

Brianna “I really just wrote that” Jacobson

NBC just announced what could possibly be the best celebreality show since all the other ones. It is CELBRITY CIRCUS! A CIRCUS with CELEBRITIES!

Premiering on June 11th at 9:30pm and hosted by the great Joey “I am not the fat one” Fatone, Celebrity Circus sends Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, Christopher Knight, Janet Evans (who?), Jason “Wee Man” Acuna (again I ask…who?) and Rachel Hunter to the big top for what is sure to be a wild ride.

I personally can’t wait. When I saw Christopher Knight tip toeing across a tight rope, I knew a new stage of my life was about to begin. Sliced bread has nothing on Celebrity Circus, and I am grateful that I live in a country where I can witness such quality programming.

So, hold on to your hat America, the Circus is coming to town.

So yesterday I stood in line behind a woman at the salad bar who was picking her romaine lettuce ONE PIECE AT A TIME. No joke. She was individually selecting the bits of lettuce she wanted in her salad. Most people in this situation would probably get super aggravated and want to give her a two-hand-plastic-tong-beatdown, but I was downright intrigued. Who is this woman, and why is her salad so important to her? What kind of person feels the need to be so exclusive with their lettuce consumption? I can make my guesses, but this seems like it’s going to be just one of those things…

If you click on the link below, you will find a blog entry by the great Corey Brown talking about two particularly good SNL sketches and why they are successful.

Brown Playground

In the true spirit of comedy, I want to “heighten” Corey’s post and add an example of my own. Here is another SNL sketch that proves the idea that sometimes simplicity and a solid character/premise are all you need for a good freaking piece of sketch comedy. It also doesn’t hurt if you have Kristen Wiig playing the main role.

Surprise Party

So maybe I google image search baby animals a lot… here are some finds.

A polar bear:

Baby tiger:

Baby elephant:

Everyone on MTV’s The Paper needs to stop being mean to Amanda. She might be a little awkward and overbearing now, but this girl is going to take over the world one day.

Her paper-mates need to stop hating, start recognizing, and put their tudes in check. Amanda is kinda awesome. It’s just sad that nobody sees it yet.

The Real World is filming it’s 21st season in Brooklyn, and it’s setting my tummy a rumbling. I’m not quite ready to see a place I called home for four years all gussied up on MTV. Despite the Bed Stuy welcome wagon that robbed me and punched me in the face not soon after moving in, Brooklyn is in my heart. It is sacred, and I love it, and I don’t think just anyone deserves to live there.

Take this current Real World season for example. We have a singing stripper who is cool as hell, but then a couple southern dummies and a not quite so dumb religious dummy who hate on her. As usual, the guys aren’t that bad, but I wouldn’t let any of them come within twenty miles of my favorite borough. I would probably let the stripper visit, but only because we have the same name.

When I think of Brooklyn, I think of people who had to work hard to get there. I know times are changing, and gentrification is taking over, but nothing about The Real World being in Brooklyn will result in goodness.  More people will be priced out of there apartments, and more mom and pop shops and bodegas will be replaced by Quiznos and Bank of Americas.

Not to sound like a pretentious b-i-t-c-h or anything, but this news really rubs me the wrong way. I know I will watch every episode of the season, however I don’t have to be happy about it.

INT. KITCHEN- NIGHT

It is 8:30 pm on a Friday night and BRIANNA, already in her pajamas, stands pouring a bag of popcorn into a bowl. She looks inside the bag and sees two lone kernels.

BRIANNA (INTERIOR MONOLOGUE)

If I were the last two kernels in the bag, I would want to be poured out.

BRIANNA proceeds to fetch the last two kernels, and throws out the now empty bag.

OUT