An 85-Year-Old


Until recently, I was very lucky to be living in New Jersey with the wonderful Rose, and there were certain things I just didn’t have to pay for. My momma warned me when I moved that expenses would come up where I didn’t expect them, and she was so right. The biggest expense that I was in no way prepared for is just how freaking much it costs to buy toiletries.

Now I am not the kind of girl who needs name brands or top of the line anything, but my money woes came to a head when I realized that a bottle of shaving cream costs at least five dollars.

Now I know that I just said I don’t turn up my nose at generics, but you don’t mess around with hair removal. I have seen too many people with razor burn in inopportune places to chance anything having to do with shaving. That is where the wonderful, amazing, Angela G. comes into play.

While venting about my toiletry toils, she let me in on a little secret: conditioner does the same job as shaving cream, if not better, and is way cheaper. You can buy a bottle of Suave for 99 cents ya’ll! I put Angela’s tip to the test this morning, shaving one leg with cream, and the other with conditioner, and I’ll have you know the conditioner leg turned out way better. It is softer and feels real nice.

So, ladies if you’re like me, living in the city and all your money is sucked away by trivial things such as rent, transportation, and food, make the switch to conditioner, and have a few extra bucks in your pocket.

There is nothing more depressing than seeing all your earthly possessions packed up and placed in a corner. Tomorrow is the big day. The day I move out of the slow lane and back into the big city. I am going to miss everything about my life with Rose, but am excited for what’s to come.

This is a real conversation I had last night with my 86-year-old aunt Rose.

INT. KITCHEN- NIGHT

ME

They took like a million dollars of taxes out of my paycheck.

ROSE

Somebody has to pay for the war.

ME

Well, I don’t want to.

ROSE

Me either.

OUT.

Did I mention I have the coolest aunt ever?

Last night, Rose’s 60-year-old best friend told me I looked like Jane Fonda in Barbarella.

I don’t believe her, but I’ll take it.

She also told me I have great eyebrows.

My 86-year-old Aunt Rose finds this hilarious:

Here is what Eliot Spitzer did wrong, according to my now 86 (Happy Birthday!) year-old Aunt Rose:

“Spitzer should have paid the hookers with a credit card. That way he would be less suspicious, and also get frequent flier miles.”

With age comes wisdom.

I think my 85-year-old Aunt Rose is obsessed with Tyra Banks. The obsession started slow… Glimpses at the television while I was watching Top Model, asking repeatedly who Tyra was. Then one day we had the following conversation when Tyra looked like this:

Rose: Who is that?

Me: Tyra Banks.

Rose: Is she a witch?

Me: No, she’s a supermodel.

I think Rose is on to something. Tyra banks just might have some sort of magical powers. How else can you explain ten seasons of ANTM, “Tyra” still being on the air, and everyone forgetting about the time when Tyra released a hip-pop album? Watch out Tyra… my Aunt Rose is on to you.