Where Have I Been?

Do me a favor and watch this. 12:35 am NBC. Thanks.

 

Trust me, you'll like it. Love it, even.

 

My Fabulous Life

INT: OFFICE- NIGHT

JED and BRIANNA stare at Nymag.com trying to figure out where to go to dinner.

BRIANNA

Should we really go to Benihana?

JED

I don’t know…

BRIANNA

It is such a commitment…

JED

Yeah…

BRIANNA

Both to the food and the experience.

 

How to Succeed

I’m into classy things… Film, fine wine, cheeses, cashmere sweaters, art with a message, dogs that require special grooming, auctions, and the like… So don’t ever try to serve me a drink, unless it is served in a cactus shaped cup.

Thank you.

 

Hitting the Books

So I finally got a chance to start reading Alan Zweibel’s new book “Clothing Optional,” and couldn’t recommend it more highly. You all might know Alan as the guy who wrote for SNL in the 70s, or as Gilda Radner’s good friend, but I know him as a super-talented, dedicated man who has managed to make a living as a comedy writer. From books, to plays, to movies, to emails, he has written it all… and on top of it, you’ll never meet anyone nicer.

The short essays, exchanges, letters, and stories I have read so far in “Clothing Optional” have been nothing short of wonderful. If I were to equate this book to a type of person, it would be that cool uncle that you never get to see, but are always longing to sit down and have a beer with. It just makes you feel good.

So if you are looking for something constructive to do while you ride the subway or sit in the park or before you go to sleep, pick up “Clothing Optional.” It is sure to be a good time.

 

Octomomma

I think it is fairly public knowledge now that Miss Octomomma has been offered one million dollars to pose for playboy, and I can’t help but be completely baffled by the offer. First off, she looks like a bizarro Angelina Jolie, and second, after having seven million kids, nobody’s gonna wanna see what she’s working with. 

I know this is terrible, and I am shaming both myself and women everywhere by giving into arbitrary standards of beauty set by people who have no right to set them, and I know that childbirth and mommahood are beautiful things, but still. That is some shiz I don’t think anyone wants to see. Her vajayjay has been through enough. Does it really have to be fluffed and pampered for public display, and the ridicule that will most likely come with it?

I mean, come on…

 

Reminiscing…

Remember when it was stylish for little boys to dance? I feel like there was a very specific moment in time when kids dancing was totally vogue. (Not the Madonna foreshadowing via pun.) This specific time keeps recurring throughout history, ie: Missy Elliot’s video’s from a couple years ago and that time Alfonso Ribeiro danced with Michael Jackson, and I have to say I am a fan of it. Let’s bring that back people.

In the meantime, here’s Madonna dancing with a little boy while singing “Get into the Groove.”

 

PSA

Just as an FYI… ALL the footlongs at Subway are $5 right now. I don’t know if that is exciting to you, but for me this is fantastic news.

While my Subway consumption has dropped significantly the last couple of months, my roomates did recently tell me is that my Subway dinners are the only time I eat a real meal. AND the guys who work in the one at 30 Rock know both me and my order. I don’t know whether to be proud about this, or to go cry in a corner.

Regardless, $5 footlongs. Also, there are 99 cent lattes at Dunkin Donuts.

You’re welcome.

 

All Wet

I have lived in my apartment for eight months, and this morning was the first time I was able to take a hot shower. I didn’t really notice the lack of warm water until winter set in, and I chalked it up the cold weather, or the snow, or the rain, or the lack of sun, or anything else I could think of.

It wasn’t until last night that it occured to me that maybe I was the one doing something wrong. I casually asked roomate Sarah to show me how SHE uses the shower, and yes, America, the pain and suffering of taking ice cold showers could have been avoided. It was all my fault. I am simultaneously the smartest and dumbest person I know.

There are approximately sixteen billion people in this world (give or take) and they have all figured out how to use a shower, while I have remained out in the cold… literally. All I have to say for myself is that I have a lot of talents and skills and I am going to go really far in this world… as long as I don’t have to turn on a faucet to get there.

 

Another Recommendation

I know my posts have been a little New York-Centric lately, but I am about to give you another one. I was lucky enough to see the show “Fuerza Bruta” Sunday night, and I couldn’t recommend it more highly. It is like a rave with a side of performance art and a smidge of Cirque de Soleil. Don’t even bother wearing socks, because they will certainly be blown off . The staff even makes you check in your coats and bags before you enter the theatre. Fuerza Bruta isn’t typical in any way, and is one hundred percent worth the trip out of your comfort zone.

 

Fuerza Br-illiant-a

 

The show won’t be running forever, so catch it while you can!

 

Small Island, Small World

I’ve lived in New York for almost six years now, and have run into the same person from time to time in various different locations. This usually wouldn’t be anything of note, except said person is Keenya from an early season of America’s Next Top Model, which is probably still nothing of note. 

 

Nothing of Note

 

 

The first couple of times I ran into her, I really had no more than a reaction of, “Huh.” But one time, I spoke to her. We were sharing a pole on the subway, and there were a bunch of girls behind us obviously pointing and whispering about the semi-famous Miss Keenya. I couldn’t resist asking her if the situation was weird, and she confirmed for me that it indeed was. 

So fast forward to this past Saturday. I am in line at Forevs 21, and there she is again. This brings the Keenya Count to five or six. At this point we should at least be saying hi, but then again, this is Keenya we are talking about, so I will probably just say “Huh,” and move on.