March 2008


Dear America,

Are you really eating this**:

and this***:

The Sliders from Totes Gross, Indulgent, everything is Fried-Days, are small hunks of beef covered in cheese and sauce served on a pile of french fries, while the Fiesta Platter from Tacoh-no-look-at-my-freaking-huge-Bell-y is basically everything the “restaurant” serves covered in cheese and thrown on a plate with a giant burrito or taco. The nutrition facts for both items are conveniently missing from the interweb, however I am fairly certain that if you were stranded on a desert island, each of these dishes could probably provide you with approximately 18 days worth of calories and fat. I think the guilt involved with eating the Slide-right-on-to-my-mid-section-ers and the cardiac fiestarrest platter outweighs the cheesy, beefy****, carby, potato-y, I am an American Dammit-y, goodness that is involved in each menu item. Not to sound like a b-r-a-t***** or anything, but I just don’t understand.

Love, Brianna

*Not hating on diabetes, just quoting SNL

**Not real picture of TGI Fridays Sliders

***Not real picture of Taco Bell Fiesta Platter

****Gross

*****More than I already do

Here is what Eliot Spitzer did wrong, according to my now 86 (Happy Birthday!) year-old Aunt Rose:

“Spitzer should have paid the hookers with a credit card. That way he would be less suspicious, and also get frequent flier miles.”

With age comes wisdom.

1)Vinegar consumption is a good way to lower cholesterol, make you feel full, treat sunburns and jellyfish stings, and, according to Sarah Claspell, a way to make any sandwich taste like it’s gourmet.

2)Templeton is the name of the rat in Charlotte’s Web. He is known for saying salll-uuuu-taaaa-tionnns. 

3)Diabetes symptoms include frequent #1 trips to the WC, being really thirsty, and also really hungry.

Today I learned that, just like Bret Michaels, I might have diabetes…. Or maybe it’s all the vinegar I am eating…

Salll-uuuu-taaaa-tionnns!

Guess who’s hosting Bravo’s new competition series “Step it Up and Dance.”

This Girl…

 

AKA

 

 This girl.

B Kennedy tagged me in this game…so I will play. Here are quotes from 5 of my favorite movies. If you guess the answers right, I will give you a cookie.

1) “Dinner at Kang’s again.”

2) “Did you look up your butt?”

3) “Stop picking it up!”

4) “Say crack again… Crack.”

5) “You guys!!! Lindsay’s run away from camp!!!”

Okay, Claspy and Frank, it’s your turn.

*Some of these quotes may be a little wrong.

I think my 85-year-old Aunt Rose is obsessed with Tyra Banks. The obsession started slow… Glimpses at the television while I was watching Top Model, asking repeatedly who Tyra was. Then one day we had the following conversation when Tyra looked like this:

Rose: Who is that?

Me: Tyra Banks.

Rose: Is she a witch?

Me: No, she’s a supermodel.

I think Rose is on to something. Tyra banks just might have some sort of magical powers. How else can you explain ten seasons of ANTM, “Tyra” still being on the air, and everyone forgetting about the time when Tyra released a hip-pop album? Watch out Tyra… my Aunt Rose is on to you.

 

I’m a slut.

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